Friday, 12 October 2012

Narrative : Script : Draft 01

Yes, it's 6 pages long so it will need sifting, but we have a first Draft

1 comment:

  1. This seems rather long. A few ways to whittle this down and enhance some comedy:

    - Have the animation open with Alan already in position at the center of the screen without having to stop him walking.

    - Have him drop the Commie-b-gone canister at his feet, then have him accidentally stand on it, roll for a second, then he flips over and falls down, resulting in a bandage over one half of his cranium and his eye instead of just an eye patch.

    - Instead of dragging in a package containing the portable shelter, have him dragging the shelter itself with his hands, but the wrong way up. This will cut out most of the unneeded opening of the package.

    Aside from some dialogue that we could simplify and change, the basic premise looks very good!